Allowing your path to Self-Organize
Do you struggle with choosing a path?
I don't mean to imply that there's only one right path, just that we're always walking on a path and sometimes choices need to be made. It can be as big as who we're going to marry or as mundane as trying to schedule an appointment.
What's important? Should I prioritize that meeting with a friend? Should I prioritize my doctor's visit and self-care? Should I prioritize making money and being financially secure? Should I prioritize caring for my family? Should I prioritize a community or global issue?
For me, the struggle with choosing a path each day is this: I just wish I could know how things are going to go!
I notice myself tracking many things I can't control, and then I feel tense.
Instead of trying to control how things go, something different I'm trying is allowing for self-organization.
Self-organization is both passive and active
Self-organization is about allowing systems to find natural ways to organize themselves, stemming from the organic relationships between the parts. It can apply not only to how society operates but also to the flow of my own life.
Self-organization has both passive and active parts: allowing and fostering.
We can be active by intentionally fostering trust in relationships, cleaning up miscommunications, and providing structured working environments.
We can contribute passively by letting people be themselves. We can honor their decisions even when we don't agree, give them the benefit of the doubt if we think they made a mistake, and appreciate that they might have good ideas we just can't see yet!
I'm often surprised that when I focus on strengthening my relationship with someone rather than trying to control an outcome, the outcome surpasses what would have been possible with just the individual parts working separately.
You cannot control all of the moving parts—but you can make a suggestion
For instance, my daughter started school and was placed in a certain class. Dana and I felt like she should ask to be moved to a different class that would be a better fit for her, but we were wary of pushing too hard. We gave her our input and then tried to step back.
I felt some anxiety about it, so it was hard not to bring it up repeatedly and argue with her about it!
A few days later I was cc'd on an email in the middle of the day between my daughter and the scheduling counselor. My daughter was asking to move to the other class, and her counselor agreed. I felt happy about the decision, but even more happy that she had done what she felt was right!
Having Grace
I was happy to see that this situation had self-organized. We had fostered a trusting relationship among us, and we had allowed those closest to the situation to figure out the best solution together.
That being said, she came back from her first day of class and reported that this particular group of students was a bit unruly. Maybe it wasn't the right choice, but who knows! Time will tell. I'm happy with the way we cooperated together.
At each stage there's an opportunity either to “step in” or to "allow". Maybe another word for it is Grace. To me, having Grace is a reminder that my assessment of the future might or might not be right, but there is a way to engage even in that uncertainty.
Watch for the timing
Learning more about when to engage and when to let go is an ongoing journey for me and I'm guessing some of you reading this.
When we approach life with a command-and-control mentality, not only do we risk being wrong about the future, but we also might leave a residue of hurt relationships as we go.
When I can embody both the active and the passive aspects of myself, I feel more authentic, and I also relate more others.
When I'm part of a self-organizing system, the outcomes and relationships both thrive!
Welcome to a Leap to Wholeness
We are starting a new series of social media posts around my second book, Leap to Wholeness, How the World is Programmed to Help Us Grow, Heal, and Adapt. One of the big themes in the book is identifying the filters that color the way we look at the world and ourselves. When we can identify a filter or belief we have, without trying to change it, we naturally start to see it better and it's easier to see beyond it. I offer this as a way of healing our old patterns of behavior.