F-L-O-W: Exercise for Backing Out of Fear
When we are in a stressful situation that involves a lot of unknown, we need tools to navigate the emotional roller coaster. Recently we all went through the tumult of the national election here in the United States. Whatever your views on politics, it was a shared experience of anxiety unlike most of us have experienced before (except with COVID-19 nine months earlier!).
When a scary, unknown situation shows up in my life, my stomach gets tense. It’s a horrible gut-wrenching feeling of dread. During a situation like those mentioned above, any piece of news from the outside world (or the inside world of my own thoughts) can trigger a fear reaction and maybe a trauma response. I’d like to share a powerful—and challenging—tool for backing away from the fear response and regaining a sense of equanimity.
This tool may require deep work in reexperiencing something traumatic, so it isn’t recommended for everybody. If you’re dealing with a significant trauma in your personal life this may not be the way to go. Rather, if you find yourself paralyzed by your choices around situations that feel scary but are not life threatening, I hope this tool can help you.
Pulling out of that mental tunnel-vision
Imagine yourself in a narrow tunnel. In front of you is some dreaded outcome waiting at the end of the tunnel, and there seems to be no way to go but forward. The outcome seems inevitable and your brain is working overtime in fight or flight mode to solve it. This is how it is when something triggers our fears, our brain gets very distracted by its distress.
The F L O W process is as follows. First, what is it that you Fear? Take careful stock of the feelings in your body. When did your gut clench? What information did you receive that triggered it? Did somebody say something to you? Did you read a news headline? Did you notice a text in your inbox with a provocative subject line? So many times in the past few days I received a text that read, “Alert! This is (insert candidate’s name), and you won’t believe what…” with the rest of the message cut off. It leaves me in limbo, maybe feeling anxiety about the things I am worried that just happened, or maybe excited, depending on how I interpret the partial information. So the first thing is to identify the emotional trigger.
Next, ask yourself “what am I afraid to Lose?” This is the nuts and bolts of the immediate loss. Paraphrasing Aristotle (via Brene Brown), “Fear is the feeling produced by the prospect of the loss of something you love.” I might feel like “If I get negative feedback I am afraid I will lose my job.” Or, “If so-and-so wins/loses the election, I am afraid of losing a feeling of security.” Or, “I am afraid of losing hope.”
Now follow that question up with a slightly more general question, “What will then occur?” In other words, if I lose my job I may not be able to pay rent. Or if the “wrong” candidate wins, the economy/environment/society will fall apart, and my hopes and dreams for a better life will slip out of reach.
This question can go really deep. This may be the very fear that's keeping you hooked. By resisting what you are afraid will occur, you may be stopping yourself from being able to take effective action to avoid it.
Being willing
To not be like a deer in the headlights, try the last step: be Willing.
This means be willing to feel the loss, be willing to feel the occurrence of difficulty. You are not accepting the loss and you are not surrendering. Rather you are backing out of the tunnel, acknowledging accurately the possibilities that exist, and ceasing to spend energy resisting the unwanted possibilities. It’s quite possible it won’t come to pass anyway, but what we can be assured is that by backing out of the tunnel you will have more options to avoid the hardship if you can!
I hope you find this useful in reclaiming your mental and physical energy away from what you don’t want to experience and more onto those things you do want to experience.
For this and other formal exercises signup for the Living in Flow Course at LivingInFlowCourse.com