Flow: Relishing Little Victories

What are you like when you play board games? Do you take them seriously? Or do you remain lighthearted through the ups and downs? In board games there is no real reward for winning. We derive our enjoyment from the little victories along the way.

Wanting to win

On our annual camping trip we have a tradition for my sister and brother-in-law to bring strategy board games that we can play after the kids are in bed, sitting on a picnic bench huddled around a lantern, with bugs swarming the light. I treasure these moments because they bring me back to the joy of video games and board games in my childhood. 

But it’s not all fun and games! I feel intensity, competitiveness and gluttony. I want to collect as much money or resources or land as possible. I want every move to be a winning move. I want to dominate. And I’m not the only one. My brother-in-law Andrew gets very serious about these games. If someone makes a questionable move, he’ll insist that we stop the game and look up the rules so that we know how it is supposed to go. Soon what was once a fun game turns into a slow, serious, and frustrating plod through a land of technicalities.

A game you can play but cannot win

These games seem to reflect the way I wish life was. I wish the effects of my actions were clear and the objectives were plain. I wish I could measure my success by some simple metrics. In actuality, I am often mystified by the way things unfold in the world.

When we look at our experiences through the lens of synchronicity, allowing flow to be a guide for our choices, sometimes it feels like the universe is being playful with us. Synchronicity plants people in our path in the right place and time, and we get a chuckle—or a wake-up call—from the encounter.

If it is a game, though, it seems like a game which can be played but cannot be won. We never get to an ultimate destination where we count our cards and determine the winner. Rather, at every stage along the game we remain vulnerable and imperfect, even when success occurs. We may finally get a raise at work at the same time that someone we love has health problems. And vice versa, when we are really disappointed with something, there are other parts of life that bring a smile to our face, if we are able to see them.

Sure, the game has real consequences. Along the way, we have moments of clarity, happiness, and outward success, as well as loss and pain. But these happen within a larger context which has no material goal. Instead, our successes or failures—and our attitude about them—determine the quality of our experience. This is where the lasting value lies. 

Free yourself in order to enjoy the game

How would you do things differently if you knew there was no winning, only playing? Maybe you already know that, but I’m still learning. I have to consciously pull myself away from the tendency to “get it right” in order to give myself a little more space. Sometimes I think I’ve failed at something, but find that I learned the lesson I needed to learn. This is the real victory, yes?

So many of our actions are actually reactions, attempts to avoid feeling something. In the Living in Flow Course, you can learn tools for identifying and experiencing the feelings behind your actions in order to become freed from reactivity. 

For instance, my efforts to get as much fake money as possible in the game help me to avoid feeling disappointed. Andrew’s efforts to nail down the rules may help him avoid feeling taken advantage of. But the end result of these efforts is stress. Paradoxically, if I can allow myself to tolerate the grief of losing, I am more likely to realize how fun it is to be playing the game with some of my best friends, sitting in a campsite in the woods.

Relishing little victories

Can we have that same perspective in real life? During the launch of my book, Living in Flow, I was on vacation with my daughter visiting my mother in Idaho. There were so many processes in motion in my life that my worldview of “trying to win” simply couldn’t hold up. I had to relish the little victories.

I was managing the launch of the book from my mom’s living room. Certain things went awry and I felt bad. But I also gave a successful presentation to a small local community , which was a little victory. Then we went cross country skiing in perfect fresh snow. Seeing my daughter experience this for the first time was amazing. That night I played my mom a song I had written about her, which ended up in the three of us hugging and crying together.

Was the launch a “success”? Who knows. Instead of measuring at that grand scale. I learned to measure at the small scale. I received lots of positive feedback, enjoyed the process, and had incredible real life experiences at the same time.

Little victories are the essence of a successful life. Imagine yourself sitting under a blossoming apple tree. Tiny petals are dropping all around you. Rather than trying to avoid the feeling of loss for the many petals that escape your grasp, you can shift your focus to the petals you are able to catch. To do so, try opening your heart to the grief of what you have missed. By feeling this, you may be freed from its grasp and able to turn your attention towards the bounty that still remains for you.